Anum Akram An Internation For CSS Aspirants

Like many of you, I also thought in the hard times,"Will my dreams ever come true?" And now that I am living my dream life, I have the answer. And it's a big YES.

July 2018 marked as the graduation month for me. I always used to say 'Maine CSS krna hai' but I never knew what it is.. not even the ABC of it. It was a turning phase of life where I was setting my life to achieve some things and to lose others. 

I asked from my father to give me permission to attempt competitive exam atleast once. It was as difficult for him to say yes as it was for me to pack bags and go to another city as I already spent 5 years out of city for my graduation. 

I managed to enroll myself in some CSS academy in Lahore but I was always on wheels between Lahore and Rahim Yar Khan as my grandmother was really ill. I found it quite hard to study things that didn't match my background degree. 

October 1 was the day when my grandmother left us. I traveled the whole night to see my grandmother alive.. she waited for me on the death bed. 

She closed her eyes as I kissed her on her forehead and said Dadi Ammi apki Sakina aayi hai. She used to call me "Sakina" as she had lost her memory. We managed to get through this as our mother really supported us. 

On coming back to Lahore I left the academy and started preparing on my own. I used to sit straight for 10-12 hrs just with the determination that I had to complete my syllabus atleast once. And than, my mother fell really ill. 

She was hospitalized. I was again spending so much time in travelling. While in Ryk, I used to be with my mother in hospital. 

Her doctors had clearly mentioned that she is a patient of End Stage Liver Disease and the only option for survival was to get her liver transplant done as soon as possible. 

We struggled through this, As the liver transplant could cost us minimum 70 lac and that was too big of a money for us. And than, in January 2019, my mother was in pre-coma. 

She was not able to even recognize us. She had started losing her memory. We decided to take her to GAMBAT, khair pur Sindh. Gambat offers free liver transplant for the needy. 

We decided to try our luck. My elder brother and sister were the possible donors. But we didn't get much hope from there. Just a day before my CSS exams in 2019, I was trying to get appointment for 

my mother in all the leading hospitals of Pakistan. We all were so disturbed and shattered at that time, that it's almost impossible to write it down on a page. 

I was in Lahore, when my mother needed me. They didn't tell me how my mother is...but her voice was enough to tear down my heart. I was trying to be something, when I was going to lose my asset. 

I managed to give my exams with this mental condition when I used to cry for hours and hours on hearing the voice of my mother and feeling the pain behind her words "main thek hu beta,TM paper do".

I managed to give my attempt. I came back home. We managed to get my mother to PKLI, Lahore. This time, I was the possible donor for my mother as I was upto the requirements. 

They refused for a transplant as according to them the success rate was low in this case. We returned with a heavy heart. Meanwhile, the datesheet for PMS-2019 got advertised. 

I was not ready mentally, physically and by anyway for the exam as I was completely out of touch with my studies. My father advised me to ask permission from my mother to go to Lahore. I asked first time, she refused and started crying. 

The next day on April 6, I asked again. She again started crying. I said ok Ammi.. I am not going. My Sister pushed me into this to give my attempt. My bus was about to leave in an hour, I asked my mother for the third time, Ammi main jau? 

She said, Jana hi hai, parha hai to paper bhi to deny hi Hain.. I came out of my house with crying heart. The moment I stepped out of my house, she asked where is Anum? 

My Sister said Ammi wo Lahore gayi hai, ap se pucha tha us ne.. my mother Said , "Nahi, wo mujh se puch kr nahi gayi" I reached Lahore on April 7 and I even didn't know about date sheet. 

I started preparing for Essay paper and It was precis paper that day. While giving exams, my mother was in coma. One day when she talked to me, her words was, "main tmhara intizar karu gi" I didn't know what was it in real. 

If I have known at that time the cruelty of these words, I would have left everything and gone home. I traveled back home the night when it was Laila-tu-Qadar. 

I was praying for my mother and put on a dp saying "Main apny hi ansuo se wazu kr k Tere jeeny ki Dua krti hu aur kisi moujzy ki muntazir hu Mama". 

But miracles don't happen the way we like them to be, these happen the way Allah plan them. On April 30, we were trying to take our mother to hospital as she was not feeling well. 

I just looked at the sky and said with a trembling heart, Allah mian agr aesa kuch hona hai to main apni jaan ka sadqa deti hu, please Meri Ammi ko kuch na ho. But it was not accepted. She left us, and the last words she spoke to us before revising Kalma, 'haan putt'.

When my written result got announced, I missed her to the extent that I cant explain. On the day of interview, when I was crying just because my mother was not there to hug me and to wish me good luck, she came in my dream after Fajr and took me to centre and said jao acha acha interview de kr aayo.

That day and today, My life is entirely different.

I have got successful with my mother's prayers. I never changed my DP, I don't have the courage to change it and people consider it that I don't accept the reality. I accept the reality and I know she is happy there.

When I look at myself what I was and why I suffered, this was just because Allah was planning me to reward with something much better and beautiful.

I believe in miracles, the way I believe in Dua. I believe in spreading easiness the way I desire for me. And Allah has rewarded me for this. I am the first Bureaucrat of my family, and I have made my father proud. And now that I am a success story, I am a role model for the girls of my family and their parents want them to follow my footsteps.

I am spreading light of hope to every student in despair, to every girl in hopelessness. And now that I have reached to my first destination, I am bringing girls in my circle to reach the equal height. I hope I would be able to burn more flames of hope, I hope I would be sadqa-jariya for my mother.

-- Penned by Anum Akram, AC/SO (UT), G.O.P (PMS10)